Mental breakdown

My heart is hurting I feel it slowly falling apart I try to fix it, i fix everything but it's breaking so fast i can't fix it. I CANT ..... the words I've been living by for 21 years I CANT.. The sense of belonging is something that we are all in a quest to find in one way or another we self harm our selfs as an escape of reality. My self harm weapon of choice sex.

smiles that go miles and laughs that will forever be photographed in my memories.

  I had a choice a small voice in my head telling me that this wasn't a good idea I mean first impressions are everything right ? "nothing that's easy to get is worth having" (easy come easy go) every time I see that or read it I can't help but sing like Bruno mars Cristian Cruz welcome to your blog post. I saw you and knew at that moment that my parents would love you like would want us to get married within the next day because my parents are crazy like that not very crazy but you know parents crazy. you are not that tall but not that short smart ambitious a brown skinned beauty with a slight curse at this moment I can think about 100 things that could have been different like the first one DONT GO TO THE CLUB ON YOUR FIRST DATE! and DONT meet his friends and if you do talk to them! Don't be weird like come on like who does that the first-day yhall met like come on I mean looking back now it's not that bad of an idea like if your friends are a big part of your life why not let them meet a potential plus one? like you all should know now I'm a hopeless romantic like you can be a stranger and look at me and I will be like YES!!! we are meant to be! So going back to the club it was so WEIRD !! like yhall I don't DANCE like I can't dance I honestly think and feel like I'm the only Latina girl with two left feet but like I liked the dude we are vibing or whatever and I had already flexed on him (flexed - Lied to or cancelled) on previous occasions so kinda had to go not really but yes okay so it was on December 10th , 2016 it was fairly early in the night I wanna say it was about 9/10  when he picks me up from my house I remember almost cancelling again because my favorite false lashes didn't wanna stay put, he shows up at my house and I rush out his friends are waiting to pregame it was so intimidating  first off he's studying economics and was in his last year of school and already had an internship with a big company has this amazing  smile that can light up a room and personality like YESSSS !!! BOYYY YESSS ! lol then come to find out his best friend is a GIRL and not just any girl a girl that's in school to be a neurologist! and I'm here like Hi I'm Paul (Paul the weird looking monkey from Nickelodeon) SO the car ride to the pregame was amazing! we like clicked instantly we met online and well he didn't want his friends to know so we made up this lie that I was his church friend everything was going well I guess not as good as it was going in the car but that was kinda my fault well not really but its just like I didn't really have nothing to say nothing  that I can add my two cents in like #sorry can't relate ! so this is when things get a little weird so we get in the car ready to go to the club or whatever and well like it was weird like do I sit in back or do I sit in the front !? like we carpooled with his best friend and apparently, the front seat is hers so we pretty much do whatever his best friend says we go to the club she wanted to go to  and listened to the music she wanted to listen to I remember that we were close and Chris was kinda lost and he's like oh I don't remember do I turn here and she's like oh I can't tell maybe if I was in the front seat I could tell I was like OMG !!! get me out of HHEEERREEE!!!  so we get to the club and I take my wallet left my bag in his car my 400$ BAG ! so we get in and it was WIERD AS HECK ! like I was and felt so out of place!  he like almost completely ignored me and at that point, I just wanted to go home I go to the bathroom and try to talk some sense into myself the rest of his friends arrive shortly after and I blended in with the crowd I DON'T DACE and I felt so uncomfortable at one point I contemplate leaving but liked this guy so much but I just couldn't stay any longer so I send him a text saying that I had an emergency that my friend was gonna come for me (I didn't have a friend coming for me) that I left my purse in his car that it was a good excuse to see me again so I started walking  I remember was I walk out of the door a guy stops me like was it that noticeable that I wasn't having a good time!? he asks me if everything was okay I tell him I jut wasn't having a good night he tells me he hopes my night gets better and to becareful I tell him thank you and walked out of the club and start walking I don' teven know where I THANK THE LORD FOR GOOGLE MAPS !! It's the middle of the night some place in Atlanta with a wallet filled with money I'm a OG (original gangster) I call my best friend and FaceTime him for a while but not long because my phone was dying . So long sotry don't go to the club on your first date !So update from that night He's a nice guy I really wish things would have gone different he graduated !! This year 2017 in May I think he has a girlfriend now so that's good ! And I did get my purse back however I left my favorite book at his house hey good excuse to see him again right ??

Update -May 2017

So update!  We didn't end up going on a second date ( Javier) I like seriously ending up caving in and sending him a long VERY long heartfelt goodbye letter in which I profess my never ending love and how I tell him exactly how I felt  and how I wished that Monday would have ended differently I asked him kindly not to respond ( because like I just wanted him to know how I felt and how for me it was more than just dinner with an old friend ) but he didn't listen and apologized which I think was worse!!, like what ! seriously in my personal opinion that's like the worst thing you can do ! like if I told you DON'T REPLY then don't reply you know like now my heart is double broken because of you as in him, apparently forgetting how to read that was April 18th the last time we talked but didn't really talked, I did most of the talking as I always do. I just realized it hasn't even been a month! like what it feels like forever like at least two months I know not forever but Hey he's the love of my life as of now- I've recently got on tinder again not one of my best ideas but hey FRIENDS! Right ?... or horny boys maybe both ? haha I've been working every single day of the week except Tuesday (Good because Mondays SUCK just kidding I still love Mondays)  so far I have three dates planned on Tuesday and I might not even go to one. I've also been planning to start working out which reminds me this guy LORDDD !! he's beautiful HIS SMILE! HIS voice ( I'm Totally gonna mess this up ) But saw him on tinder he had his sc -snap chat- code so I, of course, HAD to add him but you know yea girl had to hit him up with a young pick up line (I might not be sriracha sauce but, I sure will spice up your life ) maybe not my best but hey! I tried right? - update from that it didn't work out at all but he works out he's a personal trainer and I'm not about that life!.......... Yet ??

My biggest disappointment

from perfection to deception.....
what is disappointment to you?
falling short of expectations being let ?...
though out my life, I've had PLENTY of disappointments from finding out Santa and the tooth fairy aren't real to realizing that I will never get the Barbie with 50 different earrings or get into my dream school. But nothing will compare to the disappointment of life and or love I grew up in a home filled with love and Disney movies at a young age I became OBSESSED with trying to find the perfect ideal love story... I shortly realized it wasn't as easy as I thought. Someone once told me "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your PRINCE." But of course, me being the typical stubborn girl  I Didn't listen he was Beautiful he'd smile and my heart would stop all I could do was stare and wonder could he be the one? all I wanted to do was talk to him and talk about him I wondered that's what I did wrong I WONDERED it should have been effortless I mean for me it's always effortless I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm seriously like I'm telling you SERIOUSLY a hopeless romantic and I trust blindly. I trusted him BLINDLY... and now I'm broken and left to pick up the pieces.

part one

Disclamier.. I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING!

Better name for this blog -How I Survived my 20s-,(tried to change it but it didn't let me and too lazy to start over)   

As you can see I'm already hopeful for the future, This is solely based on my personal experiences

religion, race, gender, and economic status very from person to person, therefore, no two experiences will ever be the same. well this is how it's gonna work or at least how I want it to work first off id like to thank you for taking time out of your day to read what I have to say so ill have random topics or just things I need to tell someone and why tell someone when you can tell the internet everyone's best friend and enemy .If you have any questions or suggestions feel free to comment down below .